The Grumpy Old Astronomer's

Lengthy list of:

Laws, Famous Quotations and "Top 10" Lists


Larry's Laws
Other Laws
Daddy's Rules of Dating a Daughter
Famous Quotations
Famous "Top 10" Lists
New Word Definitions
The top 110 reasons You Might be a Redneck
Adages for the year
Handy Conversions
Engineers
Miscellenia
Quality Assurance Testing


Larry's Laws


These "laws", collected during 30 years as a professional in the computer industry, now seem self-evident.
However, an explanation is given for some where I feel it is warranted.

Larry's Law #1:
(a.k.a People Can't Multiply)
Never underestimate the "Large Corporate Effect".
What works between two PCs in a lab does not scale up easily to a workgroup.
What works in a workgroup does not scale up easily to a department.
What works in a department does not scale up easily to an Enterprise.
The cost (time and effort) of redesign is never easy to estimate.
However, if you START thinking at the Enterprise level (huge numbers of users)
then it IS possible to scale it down so that it works at smaller sizes.
Larry's Law #2:
(The law of Network Computing)
Whoever owns the network wins.
Regardless of the complexity of the processors, operating systems, database systems, software applications and support infrastructure - it is the Network that binds it all together and makes it work. Platforms and processes come and go, but the Network always evolves, grows and becomes the heart of the system, hence "The Network IS the System". If you want a challenging, demanding, constantly high-stress, 24x7 occupation then go into Networking (but don't say I didn't warn you).
Larry's Law #3:
(The law of Peer-to-Peer Networking)
IF node "A" has the capability of communicating with node "B" do NOT force it to communicate through any node "C".
(Also known as the Network Manifesto.)
Forcing two intelligent nodes or processes to unnecessarily route through a third node or process - adds complexity, slows the response time, costs more to develop and test and adds one more point of failure that can bring the system down.
Larry's Law #4:
(The law of Resource Management)
There are only 4 things you have to worry about - Space, Time, Money and People.
We're out of those, but other than that we're doing just fine!
Larry's Law #5: Nothing in life is ever simple and easy.
Patsy's Law #1: If someone doesn't know what you do, they'll assume it's simple and easy.
Patsy's Law #2:
(The law of Enterprise Data)
The height of the data is directly proportional to its criticality and shareability.
Non-critical, non-shared data may be stored on a workstation.
Workgroup data must be moved up to a workgroup server in case the workstation is down.
Department data must be moved up to a dept server in case the workgroup server fails.
Critical, enterprise-wide data must be moved up to the largest, most secure, most reliable, best supported server in the enterprise i.e. the Enterprise Server (sometimes known as "the Mainframe").
Patsy's Law #3: Knowledge is mobile unless it is written down.
Eger's Law #1: Although all nodes appear to be equal, the mainframe is more equal than anybody else!
When it comes to high-performance, RAS (Reliable, Available, Serviceable) enterprise computing with well-established system and network management disciplines, you just can't beat a mainframe system.
Eger's Law #2: For every action there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
Sherman's Theorem on Data Processing: If it was printed on a laser printer - it's correct!
Jim's Theorem on Client-Server Architecture: No matter what you think, this s--t ain't easy.
Calvin's Corollary: Always keep in mind that Transmogrification is a new technology.
Brent's Law: Distribute only as far as you can manage.
The Jeopardy Axiom: Information systems technologies are not a game show.
"The answer is: a 512 Meg, 100 MIP, 500 Gigabyte RS/6000 running AIX, X-Windows and TCP/IP on a SONNET ring. Now,.. what is the question?" - is not the way to approach an I/S problem.
Holdham's Axiom on Consulting: I know the answer to your question, but if I tell you I'll have to kill you.
The Law of Suspended Judgment: Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
The Law of Product Testing: Even as you keep making the product more and more foolproof, they keep coming up with better and better fools.
Waldern's Laws #1&2: 1. Stuff costs money.

2. Cheap stuff often costs more money.
Waldern's Law #3: There are more acronyms per square inch in networking than in any other discipline.
Davison's Laws: 1. Sell old things to new customers,
2. Sell new things to old customers,
3. But never sell new things to new customers.
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Other Laws

Terwilliger's Law: Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
The Training Postulate: Ask not what your PC can do for you, ask what you can do with your PC.
The Certainty principle: The only things certain in life are: Death, Taxes and Change.
Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis: If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented, it wasn't worth doing.
Conway's Law: In any organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on.
This person must be fired.
The Law of Probable Dispersal: Whatever hits the fan will NOT be evenly distributed.
Iacocca's Profitability Principle: Satisfy the customer.
Satisfy the customer.
Satisfy the customer.
The Ultimate Time-Management Principle: There are still 4.5 billion years left in the life of the Solar System.
The Flat Earth Preponderance on Ostrichization: The world is round everywhere except where I live.
Ginsberg's Restatement of the
Three Laws of Thermodynamics:
You can't win.
You can't break even.
You can't even quit the game.
Lubarsky's Law of
Cybernetic Entomology:
There's always one more bug.
Lowery's Law: If it jams - force it.
If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
The Whisper Rule: People will believe anything if you whisper it.
Grossman's Misquote: Complex problems have simple, easy to understand wrong answers.
Stewart's Law of Retroaction: It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
Hawkin's Theory of Progress: Progress does not consist of replacing a theory that is wrong with one that is right. It consists of replacing a theory that is wrong with one that is more subtly wrong.
Allen's Law: Almost anything is easier to get into than out of.
Lyall's Conjecture: If a computer cable has one end, then it has another.
The Wise Man Philosophy: The perception of how a thing is done is often more crucial than the truth.
Weiler's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
Osborn's Law: Variables won't; Constants aren't.
Westheimer's Rule: To estimate the time it takes to do a task: estimate the time you think it should take, multiply by two and change the unit of measure to the next highest unit.
Thus, we allocate two days for a one hour task.
Featherkile's Rule: Whatever you did, that's what you planned.
Witty's law of Software Portability: Software, when moved from one place to another, breaks.
Ralph's Observation: It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a hurry.
Manly's Maxim: Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
Fagin's observation: Hindsight is an exact science.
Ogden's Law: The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
Shick's Law: There is no problem a good miracle can't solve.
Crayne's Law: All computers wait at the same speed.
Westheimer's Discovery: A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a couple of hours in the library.
Schmidt's Law: If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break.
Holme's Law: When you have eliminated all which is impossible, then whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.
Sherlock Holmes - "The Blanched Soldier"
Ockham's Razor: When you have two competing theories which make exactly the same predictions, the one that is simpler is the better.
… or, in the only form which takes its own advice… "Keep things simple!"
English philosopher and Franciscan monk William of Ockham (ca. 1285-1349)
Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
This definition comes from "The Jargon File" (edited by Eric Raymond), but one poster attributes it to Robert Heinlein, in a 1941 story called "Logic of Empire".
The Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Wenzl's Principle: All applications should be whacked out enough to handle the system's goofy data.
Bumper Sticker: Fat people are harder to kidnap.
Moberg's Tenet: Everything is doable.
Not everything is doable more than once.
Moberg's Magic Scope Creep Calculator: For Managers, doubling the complexity of a task doubles the effort required to accomplish the task.
For Programmers, doubling the complexity of a task raises the effort required to accomplish the task by an order of magnitude.
Moberg's Philosophy: Life (and software) is a simple as you make it and as complex as you let it become.
Moberg's Kharmic Overtime: If you have a stress-free, productive morning, expect to get home from work after midnight.
Moberg's Complexity Paradox: To a client, a simple interface should be quick and easy to build, despite the fact that its intended purpose is replicating the job of at least a dozen human beings.
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Daddy's Rules Of Dating a Daughter

Daddy's Rules Of Dating a Daughter:
  • Rule One:
    If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

  • Rule Two:
    You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

  • Rule Three:
    I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

  • Rule Four:
    I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

  • Rule Five:
    It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early".

  • Rule Six:
    I have no doubts that you are a popular fellow with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

  • Rule Seven:
    As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

  • Rule Eight:
    The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
    * Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
    * Places where there is darkness.
    * Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
    * Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat.
    * Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided. Movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

  • Rule Nine:
    Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted, has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel and five acres behind me.

  • Rule Ten:
    Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight, speak the perimeter password, announce in clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
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Famous Quotations

"I know you believe you understand what you think I said…
But I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant."
Anon
"Without Rules there is no spoon!" The Matrix
"With adequate training and experience, appearest thou no longer the dork!" Anon
THE BEATINGS WILL STOP WHEN MORALE IMPROVES ! Anon
NO GOOD DEED WILL GO UNPUNISHED ! Anon
"What's the difference between a Specialist, a Contractor and a Consultant?
A Specialist is someone from outside your department, a Contractor is someone from outside your company and a Consultant is someone from outside your city."
Anon
"Whoever has the longest TODO list when they die, wins!" Anon
"Finding the "truth" takes time, patience, skill and experience.
Since you can't afford it, how much do you want me to lie to you?"
Anon
"Enjoy Life - This is NOT a rehearsal!" Anon
"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." Thomas Watson, Chairman of IBM, 1943
"Computers in the future may weigh more than 1.5 tons." Popular Mechanics, 1949
"I have traveled this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." The editor of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957
"There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home." Ken Olsen, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977
"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895
"The telephone has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." Western Union internal memo, 1876
"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." Marshal Ferdinand Foch, French commander of Allied forces during the closing months of World War I, 1918
"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" David Sarnoff's associates, in response to his urgings for investment in radio in the 1920s
"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools." New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket work, 1921
"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" Harry M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927
"Everything that can be invented has been invented." Charles H. Duell, commissioner, US Office of Patents, 1899
"Every silver lining has a dark cloud." Anonymous Pessimist
"Everything East of the San Anreas Fault will eventually plunge into the Atlantic Ocean." Anonymous Optimist
"Space tells matter how to move and Matter tells space how to curve." The American physicist John Archibald Wheeler (often attributed to Einstein)
"More people watch shows on television than on any other appliance." Anon
"Murphy was an optimist!" O'Toole's commentary on Edward A Murphy Jr.'s Laws
"The universal aptitude for ineptitude makes any human accomplishment an incredible miracle." Stapp's (ironical) paradox
"There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to do it over." Anon
"Nature always sides with the hidden flaw." Anon
"A Smith & Wesson beats four aces." Anon
"I always live by the principle my gray haired old mama taught me - never bring a knife to a gunfight." Anon
"The LAN administrator is either the person least able to say NO, or the person that sits closest to the server." Anon
"If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization." Weinberg
"Inside every small project is a large project struggling to get out." Anon
"The one language spoken by all programmers is profanity." Anon
"The Universe is not user friendly." Kelvin Throop
"Don't be afraid to take a big step. You can't cross a chasm is two small jumps." David Lloyd George
"If the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail." Abraham Maslow
"The world is divided into three kinds of people -- those who can count and those who can't." Mick Racky
"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried." Anon
"Microsoft's No. 1 product is Windows, which now comes automatically installed on every computer in the world and many kitchen appliances. Technically, Windows is an 'operating system', which means that it supplies your computer with the basic commands that it needs to suddenly, with no warning whatsoever, stop operating." Dave Barry
"If the probability of success is not almost one, then it is damned near zero." Anon
"There are two kinds of people in any organization: those who fix the problems, and those who fix the blame. The latter are called managers." Charles J.C. Lyall
"Great ideas need landing gear as well as wings." C.D. Jackson
"Mankind is the lowest cost nonlinear all purpose computer that can be mass produced by unskilled labour." Anon
"Stages of Learning:
1. Turning data into information.
2. Turning information into knowledge.
3. Turning knowledge into wisdom."
Richard A. Stack
"The hurrier I go, the behinder I get." Anon
"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy." Anon
"Love is a many-splendored thing; unlike toenail clippers, which pretty much only have one splendor." by Brad
"A proof is a proof. What kind of a proof? It's a proof. A proof is a proof. And when you have a good proof, it's because it's proven." Canadian Prime Minister, Jean Chrétien
"Roses are red, violets are blue,
I'm schizophrenic, and so am I"
Anon
"Function can't coffee without morning a?" 2nd Cup advertisement
"Scientists have discovered in a study of the effects of alcohol on women that it is more fun to study the effects of alcohol on women than on men, for 78% of the researchers polled in the study." Rich
"When I die I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather,
not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car."
Anon
"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" Richard Jeni
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they are going to feel all day." Frank Sinatra
"The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side." Hunter S. Thompson
"If the automobile had followed the same development as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside." Robert Cringely
LAN Support Rules:
1. Whenever you make a change in your LAN, the problem you foresee will not be the ones that occur.
2. The time it takes to pinpoint a LAN problem is directly proportional to its gravity.
Computerworld, May 1991
"PC experience is directly proportional to the amount of data ruined." Chris DeVoney
"90% of everything is crud" Anon
"When in doubt, mumble
When in trouble, delegate."
Anon
"A $300.00 picture tube will protect a 10 cent fuse by blowing first." Anon
"If everything seems to be going well, you obviously don't know what the hell is going on." Anon
"Just when you see the light at the end of the tunnel, the roof caves in." Forsyth's second corollary to Murphy's laws
"Never cut a hole in your backyard cedar fence and cover it with chain-link wire so your dog can have a window, without first discussing it with your wife." Mark Patinkin
ACHTUNG!
Das computenmachines ist nicht fur der fingerpoken und der mittengrabben!
Ist easy schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und poppencorken mit spitzensparken.
Ist nicht fur gerworken by das dumpkopfen!
Der rubbernecken sightseeren keepen das hands in das pockets, relaxen und watchen der blinkenliten.
Anon
Resistance to Change:
"And it ought to be remembered that there is nothing more difficult to take in hand, more perilous to conduct, or more uncertain in its success, than to take the lead in the introduction of a new order of things, because the innovator has for enemies all those who have done well under the old conditions, and lukewarm defenders in those who may do well under the new."
Machiavelli 1446-1527 AD
"Look around the card table. If you don't see a sucker, get up, because you're the sucker." Amarillo Slim
"One look ahead is worth one hundred looks back." Anon
If the garbage is full
Then it needs to be emptied
Not piled higher.
Larry
"When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy." Anon
"Excellence is the result of caring more than others think is wise, risking more than others think is safe, dreaming more than others think is practical, and expecting more than others think is possible." Anon
"The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple." Oscar Wilde
"First get your facts; then you can distort them at your leisure." Mark Twain
"There are three kinds of lies: lies, damn lies, and statistics." Benjamin Disraeli
"Then there was the man who drowned crossing a stream with an average depth of six inches." W. I. E. Gates
"Old age and treachery will beat youth and exuberance every time!" Will Miller
"Tentative efforts lead to tentative outcomes. Therefore give yourself fully to your endeavors. Decide to construct your character through excellent actions and determine to pay the price for a worthy goal. The trials you encounter will introduce you to your strengths. Remain steadfast... and one day you will build something that endures; something worthy of your potential." Epictetus, Roman Teacher and Philospher 55-135 A.D.
"Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is to not stop questioning." Albert Einstein
"A person usually has two reasons for doing something: a good reason and the real reason." Thomas Carlyle
"1. All future projects depend on credibility
2. The quotation should be attached to the back of the Project Plan - not the Invoice."
Anon
"Give a man a program - frustrate him for a day.
Teach a man to program - frustrate him for life."
Devin Spackman
"Grandchildren are the reward you get for not killing your children." Anon
"You will never find a more retched hive of scum and villainy." Obi-Wan Kenobi, Star Wars, talking about Microsoft Mos Eisley Spaceport
"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." Albert Einstein
"So certain are you. Always with you it cannot be done." . . .
"Try not. Do. Or do not. There is no try."
Yoda
"The team on top of the mountain didn't fall there." Unknown
"We get too soon old
and too late smart!"
Unknown
"In real life bad guys don't wait till you have finished delivering your lines." Unknown
"Quarks are like baby pigeons - we know they must exist even though we've never seen one." Unknown
"I have No Skill, No Talent and No Luck. Other than that, I'm doing fine." Unknown
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Famous "Top 10" Lists

Things that would be different if Microsoft started building cars:
  1. A particular model year of car wouldn't be available until after that year instead of before it.
  2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.
  3. Occasionally your car would just die for no reason, and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this.
  4. You could have only one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a Car 95 or a Car NT. But then you'd have to buy more seats.
  5. Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was powered by the sun, twice as reliable, and five times as fast - but it would only run on 5 percent of the roads.
  6. The oil, engine, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light.
  7. People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars for years.
  8. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft gas.
  9. New seats would force everyone to have the same-size butt.
  10. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to start, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
  11. The air bag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before going off.
  12. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in, unless you simultaneously lift the door handle, turn the key and grab hold of the radio antenna.
  13. Every time they introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
  14. You'd press the "START" button to shut off the engine.
Greatest Excuses For Not Doing Something:
  • I have to floss my cat.
  • It's my parakeet's bowling night.
  • I'm building a pig from a kit.
  • There's a disturbance in the Force.
  • I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
  • I'm getting my overalls overhauled.
  • My patent is pending.
  • I'm sandblasting my oven.
  • I'm having all my plants neutered.
  • My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
  • I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
  • I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
  • I've been traded to Cincinnati.
  • I'm re-installing Windows (again)
Top 20 things likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon Programmer:
  1. Defensive programming? Never! Klingon programs are always on the offense. Yes, offensive programming is what we do best.
  2. Specifications are for the weak and timid!
  3. This machine is GAGH! I need dual quad processors if I am to do battle with this code!
  4. You cannot really appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the original Klingon.
  5. Indentation?! - I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!
  6. What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software 'releases'. Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers and Quality Assurance people in its wake.
  7. Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have 'arguments' -- and they ALWAYS WIN THEM.
  8. Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak. Bugs are good for building character in the user.
  9. I have challenged the entire ISO-9000 Quality Assurance Team to a Bat-Leth contest on the holodeck. They will not concern us again.
  10. A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!
  11. By filing this bug report you have challenged the honor of my family. Prepare to die!
  12. You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand!
  13. Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are!
  14. Our competitors are without honor!
  15. Python? That is for children. A Klingon Warrior uses only machine code, keyed in on the front panel switches in raw binary.
  16. Klingon programs don't do accounting. For that, you need a Ferengi.
  17. Klingon multitasking systems do not support "time-sharing". When a Klingon program wants to run, it challenges the scheduler in hand-to-hand combat and owns the machine.
  18. Perhaps it IS a good day to die! I say we ship it!
  19. My program has just dumped Stova Core!
  20. Behold, the keyboard of Kalis! The greatest Klingon code warrior that ever lived!
Famous Disclaimers:
  • caveat emptor
  • Not exactly as shown
  • Batteries not included
  • Some assembly required
  • Actual mileage may vary
  • Void where prohibited
  • Your call is important to us
  • Any resemblance to real persons living or dead is purely coincidental.
  • Viewer discretion is advised
  • No user serviceable parts inside
  • No other warranty expressed or implied
  • Subject to change without notice
  • One size fits all
  • Closed road with professional driver
  • Do not try this at home
  • At participating locations only
  • Substantial penalty for early withdrawal
  • Beware of dog
  • Dry clean only
  • Keep away from children
  • No substitutions allowed
  • Do not remove tag under penalty of law
  • Keep away from fire or flames - use only in a well-ventilated area
  • Some equipment shown is optional
  • Delivery times not guaranteed
  • Not recommended for children
  • Action figures sold separately
  • You must be at least THIS TALL to ride this ride
  • Warning: no lifeguard on duty
  • Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear
  • Package sold by weight, not volume
  • Container may rupture if contents are allowed to freeze
  • Container may rupture if disposed of in fire
  • Quantities limited while supplies last
  • Other restrictions may apply
  • Some services not available in all areas
  • Don't make any sudden moves and nobody gets hurt
  • Keep flame away from face
  • Close cover before striking
  • Do not leave valuables in car
  • Do not send cash by mail
  • Hard hats and safety glasses required
  • Names have been changed to protect the innocent
  • Past performance should not be used to determine future growth
  • Your actual weight loss may not be as dramatic
  • We will accept no liability for repetitive stress injury
  • Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement
  • Do not use if seal is broken
  • Provided "as is" without any warranties expressed or implied
  • Use at your own risk
  • Software License
Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk:
  1. Indubitably
  2. Innovative
  3. Preliminary
  4. Proliferation
  5. Cinnamon
Things that are very difficult to say when you're drunk:
  1. Specificity
  2. British Constitution
  3. Passive-aggressive disorder
  4. Loquacious
  5. Transubstantiate
Things that are downright impossible to say when you're drunk:
  1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
  2. Nope, no more booze for me.
  3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
  4. Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight.
  5. Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
A Guy's four basic food groups:
  • Canned,
  • Frozen,
  • Microwave, and
  • Take Out.
Dave Berry's four basic machines:
  • the wheel,
  • the inclined plane,
  • the chainsaw, and
  • the automatic transmission.
How to impress a woman:
  • Compliment her,
  • respect her,
  • honor her,
  • cuddle her,
  • kiss her, caress her,
  • love her, stroke her,
  • tease her,
  • comfort her,
  • protect her,
  • hug her,
  • hold her,
  • spend money on her,
  • wine and dine her,
  • buy things for her,
  • listen to her,
  • care for her,
  • stand by her,
  • support her,
  • go to the ends of the Earth for her.
How to impress a man:
  • Show up naked.
  • Bring beer.
The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas.
Things I've learned from my Children (honest & no kidding)!

  1. A king-size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
  2. If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them with rollerblades, they can ignite.
  3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
  4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
  5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
  6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
  7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.
  8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
  9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
  10. Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year-old.
  11. PlayDough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
  12. Super glue is forever.
  13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
  14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
  15. VCR's do not eject Peanut Butter & Jam sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
  16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
  17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
  18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
  19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
  20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
  21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
  22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
  23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
  • For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
  • For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
  • For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
  • For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFT'S NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT.
  1. You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.
  2. If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes:
  3. mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat
  4. Then enter:
  5. ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.
  6. If you have a Macintosh microwave oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.
  7. If you have a Unix microwave oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner found on the package label, the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your specification.
  8. Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter:
  9. ms.nodarn.good/tryagain\again/again.darnit
  10. This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your oven vendor. The oven itself is obviously on the blink.
  11. Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven, you will need to upgrade your equipment.
  12. Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.
  13. Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.
  14. Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.
  15. Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.
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New Word Definitions

404: A completely clueless end-user.
Abdicate: To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Adulatery: Cheating on your spouse with a much younger partner who holds you in awe.
Arachnoleptic fit: The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.
Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.
Bachelor: A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
Balderdash: A rapidly receding hairline.
Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.
Bernadette: The act of torching your mortgage.
Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a server went down, and who was responsible.
Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
Burglarize: What a crook sees with.
Bustard: A very rude bus driver.
Carcinoma: A valley in California, notable for its heavy smog.
Cashtration: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
Caterpallor: The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
Circumvent: The opening in the front of boxer shorts.
Coffee: A person who is coughed upon.
Control: A short, ugly inmate.
Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
Cube farm: An office filled with cubicles.
Decaflon: The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
Doltergeist: A spirit that decides to haunt someplace stupid, such as your septic tank.
Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Eclipse: What an English barber does for a living.
Error ID ten T: Another IDI0T user.
Esplanade: To attempt an explanation while drunk.
Extraterrestaurant: An eating place where you feel you've been abducted and experimented upon. Also known as an E-T-ry.
Eyedropper: A clumsy ophthalmologist.
Flabbergasted: Appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Flatulence: The emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
Frisbatarianism: The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
Gargoyle: An olive-flavored mouthwash.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Grantartica: The cold, isolated place where art companies dwell without funding.
Hemaglobe: The bloody state of the world.
Heroes: What a guy in a canoe does.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
Imargination: The fantasy of having sex with Homer's wife.
Impotience: Eager anticipation by men awaiting their Viagra prescription.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late or are pulling an all-nighter getting that database online from the backup tapes.
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
Kinstirpation: A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit.
Left Bank: What a robber did when his bag was full of loot.
Lobster: A slick-talking, oily, obnoxious person who represents special interest groups on Capitol Hill.
Lullabuoy: An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep.
Lymph: To walk with a lisp.
Macadam: The first man on Earth, according to the Celtic bible.
Manufracture: To produce items which break after little use.
Marionettes: Residents of Washington D.C. who have been jerked around by the mayor.
Mausoleum: Floor covering used in crypts. Attractive from the top and bottom.
Misty: How golfers create divots.
Mouse potato: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
Negligent: Describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
Nincompoop: The military command responsible for battlefield sanitation.
Ohnosecond: That fraction of time after hitting Enter, in which you realize that you've just permanently erased a big database.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one gets extra credit.)
Parasites: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Percussive maintenance: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
Pharmacists: A helper on the farm.
Polarize: What penguins see with.
Primate: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
Rectitude: The formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Relief: What trees do each spring.
Rubberneck: What you can do to relax your wife.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Seagull manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
Seamstress: Describes 250 pounds in a size 6.
Selfish: What the owner of a seafood store does.
Semantics: Pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer book together just before Vespers.
Stress puppy: An admin who seems to thrive on being stressed out, whiney, and complains about stupid users all day.
Subdued: A guy that works on submarines.
Sudafed: Bring litigation against a government official.
Swipeout: An access card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
Telegant: Looking good on TV.
Testicle: A humorous question on an exam.
Willy-nilly: Impotent.
Writer's Tramp: A woman who practices poetic licentiousness.
WORN: Write once, read never. Otherwise known as user documentation.
Blame Partitioning: Distribution of blame among all those involved until it looks like nobody did anything wrong.
Task Displacement: The process of working on the little problems until, hopefully, the big ones go away.
Porous Memory: An inherent technology whereby the person remembers what was said in passing in the hallway in minutia detail four months ago but cannot remember the memo and three emails sent to them asking for immediate action last week.
The Standard Standard: Every standard will have a different interpretation by different individuals. These interpretations are non-compatible.
N-Tier Parallax: The amount of effort to create an N-Tier solution is NN
PEBKAC: Problem Exists Between Keyboard and Chair.
FDFBIT: Fingers Don't Follow what the Brain Is Thinking.
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The top 110 reasons You Might be a Redneck

You Might be a Redneck if:
  • a night on the town includes city jail.
  • a tornado comes through your town and does $500 worth of improvements.
  • directions to your trailer include "well, you turn off the paved road…
  • every person over the age of five in your household carries a gun.
  • in all your family portraits, no one is ever wearing shoes.
  • most of your family have appeared on COPS.
  • people call you Billy-Bob and your real name isn't William Robert.
  • someone asks you: is that your girlfriend, your sister, or both?" and you have to think about your answer.
  • the first piece of clothing you put on in the morning is a hat.
  • the game warden knows the serial numbers to your guns by heart.
  • the mansion you just purchased is also called a "double wide".
  • when you haul ass, it takes two trips.
  • when you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is how to lose them.
  • when your porch falls down, you wonder how many dogs got killed.
  • wildlife has ever tried to mate with your clothes.
  • you agree with the NRA that you really do need that AK-47 for rabbit hunting.
  • you been married 5 times and still have the same in-laws.
  • you buried grandma in a Frigidare box you found in the rich folks back yard.
  • you buy a police scanner to keep up with your relatives.
  • you can do a moose mating call from an orifice other than your mouth.
  • you can drink beer through your nose.
  • you can remember all the dogs' names, but none of the kids'.
  • you can't fit in the booths in your favorite truck stop restaurant.
  • you can't spell your name without looking at your belt.
  • you compliment your girl by saying "nice tooth".
  • you cut your grass and find more than 15 guns.
  • you don't like phone sex because the phone don't fit.
  • you end every sentence with, "…and whut tha hail is that smell!?"
  • you get in touch with your feminine side by borrowing your wife's bobby pins to remove the ear wax the truck keys missed.
  • you go to a stock car race and don't need a program.
  • you go to the ear, nose, and throat doctor to have your finger removed.
  • you go to the wraslin ' match to watch Gramma defend her title.
  • you got more first names (Billy Joe Ben Bob) then yur nex door naybor.
  • you grew up thinking your name was "Dammit!"
  • you have a gun rack on your bicycle.
  • you have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window and a 1954 Ford hood for a kitchen table.
  • you have a tattoo of your dog.
  • you have ever run out of Skoal, and borrowed some from your sister.
  • you have His and Her shotguns.
  • you have more tattoos than teeth.
  • you have more than two brothers names Bubba or Junior.
  • you hunt from your bedroom window.
  • you know instinctively that red wine goes with possum.
  • you know its time to get a haircut when your John Deer baseball cap won't fit on your head anymore.
  • you mow your yard and find the pickup you thought got stolen.
  • you name your children after your favorite brands of chew.
  • you own all of the components of soap on a rope except the soap.
  • you refer to your wife and mother-in-law as "Dual Air Bags."
  • you see a sign that says "Say no to crack" and it reminds you to hike up your jeans.
  • you sell rabbits out of your car.
  • you smell things your dog refuses to go near.
  • you stare at a can of frozen orange juice, because it says concentrate.
  • you take a beer to a job interview.
  • you tell someone to look at that moon and it ain't nighttime.
  • you think "double wide" is a perfect description of your wife's butt.
  • you think "He needed killin." would stand up in court.
  • you think a tornado is like a redneck divorce - either way someone loses a trailer.
  • you think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
  • you think America Online is a place to hang your laundry.
  • you think the last 4 words of the National Anthem are "Gentlemen, Start your engines!"
  • you think the moon landing was a fake, but rasslin' is real.
  • you type with your only finger.
  • you want to become president ONLY so you can make beef-jerky our national food.
  • you wear overalls to save on the cost of shirts and underwear.
  • you won't go to the family Christmas party unarmed.
  • you're named after your richest relative.
  • you've ever been accused of lying through your tooth.
  • you've ever been called "BUBBA".
  • you've ever gone to a family reunion and got caught in a crossfire.
  • you've ever had sex while wearing work gloves.
  • you've ever hollered, "You kids quit playing on that sheet metal."
  • you've ever laid rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
  • you've ever water-skied in your underwear.
  • you've ever worn camouflage pants to church.
  • your automatic dishwasher has four legs and a tail.
  • your bathroom deodorizer is a box of kitchen matches.
  • your belt buckle sets off every metal detector at the airport.
  • your Best Man spells out "Just Married" on the back window of your pickup with duct tape.
  • your car alarm eats dog food.
  • your coat of arms features a tire iron.
  • your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade.
  • your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
  • your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
  • your dog sleeps on your bed with you, and your wife doesn't.
  • your ex is now your mother-in-law.
  • your family business requires a lookout.
  • your family tree has two branches, One for the family, and one with daid possums hangin' from it.
  • your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end".
  • your grandmother has more teeth than you do.
  • your grocery list starts with "shotgun shells"…
  • your horse can count higher than you.
  • your house has more wheels than your truck.
  • your house is mobile but your 14 cars ain't.
  • your idea of a loaded dishwasher is getting your wife drunk.
  • your idea of fishing tackle is a match and a M-80.
  • your kids' favorite bedtime story is "Curious George and the High Voltage Fence".
  • your last words are, "WATCH THIS BOYS!"
  • your license plate has sentimental value cause your mama made it.
  • your neck tie is holding up your tail pipe.
  • your richest relative needs help taking the wheels off his new house.
  • your school colors are camouflage.
  • your school bus is used on Monday, Wednesday and Friday for Driver's Education and on the other days for Sex Education.
  • your speech ain't got no words more'n two sylbols.
  • your state flower is a satellite dish.
  • your teeth are greener than your lawn.
  • your truck 'clears' dogs and small children.
  • your truck is insured by Smith & Wesson.
  • your truck is so rusty it don't cast a shadow.
  • your mom doesn't take the cigarette out of her mouth when she tells the State Trooper to f**k off.
And the number one reason?
You might be a redneck if…
  • Bambi looks like real good eatin'.
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Adages for the year


  • Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
  • Marriage changes passion... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
  • I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it... so I said "Implants?"
  • I don't do drugs anymore... I get the same effect just standing up fast.
  • I have my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.
  • I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
  • If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
  • I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.
  • There are two sides to every divorce... Your's and Shithead's.
  • I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
  • I am a nobody and nobody is perfect... therefore I am perfect.
  • Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
  • How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
  • Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
  • Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
  • Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
  • Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
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Handy Conversions


  • 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton
  • 1 million aches = 1 megahurtz
  • 1 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
  • 1 million billion picolos = 1 gigolo
  • 1 million microphones = 1 phone
  • 1 million million microphones = 1 megaphone
  • 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
  • 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
  • 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
  • 10 cards = 1 decacards
  • 10 millipedes = 1 centipede
  • 10 monologs = 5 dialogs
  • 10 rations = 1 decoration
  • 100 rations = 1 C-ration
  • 1000 aches = 1 kilohurtz
  • 1000 cubic centimeters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
  • 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
  • 2 monograms = 1 diagram
  • 2 snake eyes = 1 paradise
  • 2 wharves = 1 paradox
  • 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
  • 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
  • 3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
  • 3 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 I.V. League
  • 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
  • 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling = 1 liteyear
  • 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
  • 5 dialogs = 1 decalog
  • 500 millinaries = 1 seminary
  • 8 nickels = 2 paradigms
  • Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
  • Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
  • If "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step," then the first step of a one-mile journey = 1 Milwaukee
  • Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
  • Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
  • Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
  • Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knot furlong
  • Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
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Engineers

What Engineers SAY:What Engineers MEAN:
Major Technological BreakthroughBack to the drawing board.
Developed after years of intensive research!It was discovered by accident.
Project slightly behind original schedule due to unforeseen difficulties.We are working on something else.
The designs are well within allowable limits.We just made it, stretching a point or two.
Customer satisfaction is believed assured.We are so far behind schedule that the customer was happy to get anything at all.
Close project coordinationWe should have asked someone else; or, let's spread the responsibility for this.
The design will be finalized in the next reporting period.We haven't started this job yet, but we've got to say something.
A number of different approaches are being tried.We don't know where we're going, but we're moving.
Test results were extremely gratifying.It works, and are we surprised!
Extensive effort is being applied on a fresh approach to the problem.We just hired three new guys; we'll let them kick it around for a while.
Preliminary operational tests are inconclusive.The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.
The entire concept will have to be abandoned.The only guy who understood the thing quit.
Modifications are underway to correct certain minor difficulties.We threw the whole thing out and are starting from scratch.
Essentially complete.Half done.
We predict...We hope to God!
Drawing release is lagging.Not a single drawing exists.
Risk is high, but acceptable.100 to 1 odds, or with 10 times the budget and 10 times the manpower, we may have a 50/50 chance.
Serious, but not insurmountable, problems.It will take a miracle. God should be the program manager.
Not well defined.Nobody's thought about it.
Requires further analysis and management attention.Totally out of control.
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Miscellenia


A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results.

"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying and you don't have much time left."

"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"

"Ten," the doctor says sadly.

"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?"

"Nine..."

The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful.
First grade...true story:

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of The Three Little Pigs to her class.

She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read,

"...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said... 'Holy shit! A talking pig!'"!

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 MINUTES.


A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs.

After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles.

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?"

The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass in the morning, they're pregnant, if they're in the mud, they're not."

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.

This continued each morning for more than a week.

One morning the farmer was so tired, he couldn't get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."

"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."

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Quality Assurance Testing


Quality Assurance Testing is a pretty broad field. It's more than just REGRESSION TESTING.
There are also the following lesser known testing methodologies you should know about:

AGGRESSION testing:If this doesn't work, I'm gonna hurt someone!
APPARITION testing:This bug is haunting me!
COMBUSTION testing:We're gonna test this until something blows up!
COMMISSION testing:Find a bug, make a buck! Find a bug, make a buck!
COMPASSION testing:I'm really sorry I found a bug in your code.
CONCUSSION testing:Quit slapping yourself on the forehead every time we find a bug!
CONFESSION testing:Okay, okay, I did cause that bug!
CONGRESSIONAL testing:Are you now, or have you ever been a bug?
DECOMPRESSION testing:So many bugs came up so fast it got the bends!
DEDUCTION testing:When you have eliminated all which is impossible, then whatever remains, however improbable, must be the bug.
DEFECTION testing:I'll help you find some bugs, after all I was on the development team.
DEGRADATION testing:The more I test, the worse it gets.
DEPRESSION testing:If this doesn't work, I'm gonna kill myself!
DIGRESSION testing:No, it still doesn't work, but let me tell you about my weekend...
DISPASSION testing:It might be a bug but I don't give a damn!
DISSECTION testing:If I dig deeper and deeper I'm bound to find a bug.
EGRESSION testing:Uh-oh, a bug... I'm outta here!
EJECTION testing:One bug and your code is outta here!
EVICTION testing:Your code has so many bugs we're dumping it to test something that looks like it might actually work!
EXPRESSION testing:#@%^&*!!!, a bug.
FABRICATION testing:It was the biggest, ugliest bug you ever saw!
FLATULATION testing:Pull my finger...
GENUFLECTION testing:Please God - no more bugs!
IMPASSIONED testing:Yes, oh yes! I finally found another bug!
IMPRESSION testing:This code just looks like it probably has bugs.
INCARCERATION testing:This code is so bad it should be a crime!
INDIGESTION testing:This code makes me sick!
OBSESSION testing:I'll find this bug, if it's the last thing I do!
OBSESSIVE COMPULSION testing:I think I'll go back and test everything that's already in production.
OLFACTION testing:This code stinks!
OPPRESSION testing:Test this now!
OVERREACTION testing:Oh My GOD! A Bug. This is the end of the world as we know it!
PERCUSSION testing:If you hit it hard enough, it might work.
POISSION testing:Alors! Regardez le poission!
POSSESSION testing:This code behaves like it has a mind of its own!
PROCESSION testing:Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's off to test we go...
RECESSION testing:Sorry we can't afford to test your code, go away!
REMISSION testing:The bug's not fixed, but it doesn't seem quite so bad now.
REPERCUSSION testing:If you keep hitting it, something else will break.
REPRESSION testing:It's not a bug, it's a feature.
SALUTATION testing:Good morning, bug.
SECESSION testing:Hold a referendum to determine if it is a bug.
SUCCESSION testing:The bug is dead! Long live the bug!
SUGGESTION testing:Well it seems to be working, but wouldn't it be better if...
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